TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are speaking Damascus, the town historically noted for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It's going to be huge. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed in the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the very best. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully out of area. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Of course, certain, let's have another spot wherever American Guys can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst previous negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: offer you All people a suite on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable electrical power," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms put in in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he ought to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the venture, replied, "You understand, guy, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Superior people today. Good tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Images Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head obvious from Area, a characteristic being marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after locating the constructing's gold plating reflected Trump Tower Damascus a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It's not simply unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Confusing Attributes


Probably the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium in which company may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, full with climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Regional Syrians are Not sure what to make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Strategy: "In the event you Bomb It, They are going to Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Without end."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "wherever's the closest elevator to the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is already attracting interest from Worldwide investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll invest in 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial amount may even include:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait around to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort where by my PTSD can have change-down service."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports suggest:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to construct a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Remaining Ideas from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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